Reality.

So, I haven't written in quite awhile.  Partly because it's a pain in the behind to hook up the internet now that we are paying for it, and partly because there have been too many things on my mind and I didn't even know where to start.

Table Of Contents:
1. Cheating?
2. Weight.
3. Depression


CHAPTER 1: CHEATING?
     More than once this past week Aaron has come home later than he said he would.  This is the second night in a row that he has come home around 10pm.  Today, he told me at about 1pm that he had a pretty easy day and would be home around 6pm.  He called the Sears warehouse at 5:42pm but when I tried to call him 17 minutes later he didn't answer the phone.  I tried calling him at least 12 times between 6pm and 10pm and I sent him a text asking to please call me.  At first I was upset that he wasn't home and not answering the phone, then I got worried.  So worried, in fact, that I hooked up the internet and checked to see if he was in jail, the hospital, or stuck in traffic.  I even texted his partner he was working with today and got no answer.  When he did finally walk in the door, he was acting odd, I can't explain it really, just not himself.  He said that he had just got off work and then he took Curtis home.  When I asked where his phone was he said it was in his tool bag in the trunk of the car.  I told him he should have called me.  I looked in his tool bag and got the phone and it was shut off, but it showed all the missed calls from me up until 9:32pm.  If he had shut his phone off at that time and put it in his bag and then into the trunk, there's NO WAY that he could've taken Curtis home in Stone Mountain and then driven back home by 10pm.  When I asked him what he was doing he immediately got defensive. NOT a good sign. Also, both times that he came home late this past week he walked in the door and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower... Am I being paranoid?

CHAPTER 2: WEIGHT
     It's finally hit me.  I'm fat.  I feel disgusting.  I hate looking at myself.  I have gained about 7 pounds in the past 3 weeks.  I'm supposed to be in a wedding in 5 weeks and I pray to God that I still fit in my dress.  Also, my 10 year class reunion is at the end of August. I don't want them to see me.  I don't even want to leave the house, which brings me to my next point.

CHAPTER 3: DEPRESSION
     I've been really down lately.  I don't know why, but at the same time I do know why but have no energy to try and resolve my issues.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I don't want to see anybody.  I can't even find the will to take a shower unless I have to go to work.  The past few weeks I've probably only showered 4 times total.  I stay in my pajamas all day. I want to lose weight. I want to quit smoking.  I want to move into a different house. I want to have a day to myself.  I want to SCREAM!!!!


There is still so much more I have to say, but it is after midnight now and I want to lay down.
Maybe more tomorrow. Maybe.

Who deserves to have a sandwich named after them?

I DO!!! The Constance Sorrow would have angus beef, bacon, italian sausage, mushrooms, carmelized onions, bellpeppers, swiss cheese, and a secret sauce in between 1 inch thick buttered grilled italian garlic bread!!!

Ask me anything

Who do you txt message with the most?

my mommy

Ask me anything

My Final Requests For When Laid To Rest:

My major concern, of course, is the well-being of my children.  I want for them to be cared for with love, patience, kindness, and MOST importantly the love and knowledge of God and our Savior Jesus Christ.  I DO NOT want them to be moved away from my family in Georgia (especially my mom, step-dad, sister.)  I want them to have the influence of my family's good nature, spiritual heart, and unconditional love.  I DO NOT want them to be moved out of state, especially Mississippi, where they would be under the influence of the controlling, manipulative, and conniving demeanors of their father's family.  I want them to know me and I know that my family would keep my memory alive for them and continually express the depths of my love and adoration for them.  I want them to be told often how much I love them, care for them, and how very proud I am of my children.  They are my heart and soul and if I had nothing else in the world besides them I would be much more than content.  I want them to be raised to know the difference between right and wrong and that actions have consequences, also that they control the direction of their lives with the choices they make.  I know that here in Georgia they may not be raised with a fortune and every opportunity handed to them, but they will be humble and be appreciative of what they earn for themselves and they will understand that happiness, love, and success is not bought with money but that it is obtained with hard work, sacrifice, and the willingness to pursue their dreams and goals.

As for my worldly possessions, material objects, etc.:  they are just things and mean nothing to me.  I don't really care who gets what. I DO request that people do not fight or argue over things that may belong to me.  I would like for Courtney to inherit my engagement ring when she turns 16 years old or maybe even sooner if she proves herself mature enough to take care of it and appreciate it. My makeup and things that I have acquired from my employment at Sephora can go to my mother and be divided amongst her and my sister Rebecca.  I would like for them to go through the items together and agree on who gets what.  There is plenty there to go around.  Anything else that isn't of any importance (i.e. clothing, shoes, accessories) may be given to Goodwill or the church or whoever wants them.  If for some reason someone in my family wants a particular item, just give it to them.

I really can't think of anything else that may be of importance to me.
Like I said, my main concern is my children.  All other things are meaningless, as life can be lived without them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want for everyone to know that I will be in that "better place" praising God for eternity and in such a state of complete happiness that there will have to be a new word invented to describe it.  I pray that one day I will see my family there, worshiping beside me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon I will write letters to the people who mean the most to me, so that they will know how much they mean to me and they can always remind themselves of how much I love them.

What quality do you value most in your friends?

honesty

Ask me anything

Oh No, Not Again!

Well, while getting ready to go to Kroger this morning it happened again...  My heart was racing for about 10 seconds and I felt like I could barely breathe.  Now, I'm really getting concerned.  I don't have insurance, so I can't see a doctor, unless of course I go to the E.R., and I really don't want to do that unless it is an actual emergency.  I feel fine now.  I felt fine as soon as it was over.  Thank God Aaron was here, though.  He comforted me and hugged me until I felt better.  I think he really helped me not have a panic attack.  When it happened I was in the bathroom singing and I reached to hit a really low note and ran out of breath, then I felt my heart start racing.  Maybe lack of oxygen? I don't know.  But two days ago I walked to the front office and back and up that steep hill and I was fine.  It doesn't seem to happen when I am exercising or doing anything strenuous... I don't get it. But I have decided that if I want to be around to care for my children that I need to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle.  I am quitting smoking and I am eating healthier. I am no longer drinking sodas or sweet tea, just water and juice.  For dinner tonight I am going to eat (as much as it pains me to say) fish and veggies and salad.  I am going to do as much as I can in my power to change my habits and be healthier.  My next blog will probably be my wishes if anything does happen to me.  I've been thinking about it for a while now, and while I know that it isn't anything that will hold up in court, I also know that my family respects me enough to carry out my requests if something were to happen to me.  I wrote a "Last Will and Testament" about 5 years ago, I may even still have it sealed in an envelope somewhere, but I need to update it anyway, so what better way that on the internet? HAHA!

What fear would you most like to conquer?

the fear of fear

Ask me anything

What's the purpose of this thing?

to ask me anything!

Ask me anything

Do you wish you were an Oscar Meyer weiner?

that is what i'd really like to be...

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/stewart8283

Take A Hike

I just got back from walking to the front office to pay rent.  It's not that bad of a walk, really.  It's about a mile total, but there's this steep hill that had my legs burning and my heart pumping and my lungs reaching for oxygen. Even the hill wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the fact that I was pushing the stroller with the car seat and the baby in it...  But either way, I made it there and back and rent was paid on time.  Now I'm sweaty.
Aaron may be going to New York for a week for his job.  I don't mind so much that he goes, although being alone with two small children for 7 days will be hell for me, but I don't see how it's worth the money.  He'll only make about $180 more that he would here in Georgia working 7 days... It doesn't make sense to me.  I'll definitely want to keep myself busy, though, if he does go.  At first I was thinking "Maybe I can spend the week with mom!" but then I remembered "Courtney has school."  Oh well, I'll think of something, I guess.
Right now the baby is asleep and I am going to put off cleaning the house and watch a movie, because I want to.

Weather

I hate storms. Hate them. I don't mind rain, but I HATE thunder and lightning and hail and strong winds and even snow.  I wish my world could be all sunshine and rainbows and bright blue skies with fluffy white clouds and clear nights with lots of stars...  It's supposed to storm in a couple of hours and I am at home alone with the baby and Courtney will be getting off the bus at 3:30 and it'll probably already be raining by then...  SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS TRAILER!!!  There is a possibility of a tornado this evening. Aaron is at work and has the car and I REALLY don't want to be here!!

Whew

It's about 8pm on Friday.  Aaron left for a pool tournament.  Carter has had his bath and just fell asleep, Courtney is in her room playing, and I finally have a moment to myself... kinda.  I wish that we had a bathtub.  I would wait until everyone was asleep and light some candles, put on some classical music, and grab a glass of red wine and soak until my fingers and toes looked like dehydrated peaches.  I have to say that I am so glad that mom is taking the kids tomorrow and I am working 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday.  It's pretty sad when the only vacation you get is when you go to work.

I miss me.  I miss my humor, my wit, my outgoingness, my ability to be happy without having to make a conscious effort.  I was reading over my old blog from a few years back (maybe 4 or 5 years ago) and it felt like I was reading someone else's words.  I had forgotten what I used to be like.  How much fun I used to be.  How happy-go-lucky and carefree I used to be.  How funny I was.  Maybe it's all a part of growing up, being a parent, being in a relationship for 10 years... I don't know.

The End

I've been considering writing on this topic for weeks.  I haven't, partly because my internet connection has been shoddy, but mostly because I don't know how to say what I've been feeling.  I'm typing now, still not knowing what I am going to say, but I want to get it out.  Death.  That is the topic.  I think about death everyday.  I don't know why.  It's not something I am afraid of, I just can't help but think about it.  About how our time on this earth is limited.  I should say it's not something I worry about for myself.  I am saved and by the grace of my Savior Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross, I KNOW that I have a better place waiting for me.  I KNOW that God loves me and that He gave the ultimate sacrifice for my soul.  Everyday I ask God for forgivness of my sins.  Everyday I pray that He heal my body, and protect me and my family.  I worry about losing my children, my husband, my parents and siblings, my dearest friends.  I worry about losing my family, friends, and even acquaintances.  I do think about my own death everyday.  I don't think this is normal.  I wonder if anyone else thinks about it as much as me?  I mostly think about it when I am alone.  That is one reason why I enjoy company and fellowship with my family and friends.  It helps to take my mind off the morbid and makes my spirit happy.  When I am around others, death doesn't cross my mind nearly as often.  Now I'm searching for words.  I don't know what else to really write on the subject, other than it is on my mind... a lot.

Spare The Rod

So, today started out as a normal day, actually better than normal considering the fact that Carter slept almost 8 hours straight last night and was a very good baby most of the day.  Today is SuperBowl Sunday.  Aaron got off work early and we went to Joey and Ashley's to watch the game.  Courtney and Alex were playing and we were all hanging out watching the game.  A few times I had to tell Courtney to get away from Alex because Alex wouldn't stop hitting her.  Of course, Joey and Ashley would just say "No." whenever Alex would do something wrong, and barely with a raised voice.  Then when Alex kept hitting Courtney Joey told Alex she was in time-out and put her on the couch.  Alex started whining about getting down and Joey said no, but he let her go sit in Ashley's lap and be held.  Then Aaron and Joey decide that they are leaving to go get some marijuana, which apparently Aaron paid for with the understanding that Joey will pay him back.  It wasn't until they returned from picking it up that I found out that Aaron paid for it. Courtney was sitting on the couch and Alex got up on the couch and sat between Ashley and Courtney.  And again, Alex proceeded to keep hitting Courtney.  Then she kicked Courtney in the mouth and busted her lip.  Courtney starts freaking out because she is bleeding all over the place, and what happens to Alex?  She is told no, don't hit people.  Then Joey and Ashley casually say "She needs to be punished." "Yeah, she does."  Joey took her to the bedroom and gave her a spanking.


Now, I am pissed.  I have banned Courtney from being at their house while Alex is there because she is uncontrollable.  Every time she does something she's not supposed to, she is just told "no" over and over again and sometimes put in "time-out" in which she is still coddled by her parents.  Does that seem like punishment to a 2 and a half year old? No.
Every once in a while she will receive a spanking that obviously means nothing to her.


I am sick of parents who don't know how to punish their children and then wonder why they grow up to be unruly, disobedient, and violent.


Now, on top of all of this, I am pissed at Aaron.  He followed us home and checked on Courtney and I asked him if he had paid for Joey and Ashley's weed and he said "Yes."  We can't even pay our bills and he is spending OUR money on someone else's addiction?!?!  And he NEVER even consulted me, just assumed that it was a good idea, I guess.  Then he tells me that he is going back over to Joey and Ashley's and he wonders why I am pissed at him.  Really?! Do I not have a reason to be pissed?  You buy weed for someone without my knowledge and then go back over to their house while the blood is still fresh on OUR daughter's lip?!?!


Whatever.


Jerk.


They REALLY need to learn how to discipline their child and let her know that there are consequences for her actions.

Something In The Weigh

So, I weighed myself this morning.  I'm at 188lbs... still. I was hoping to be at 178 by now, which would have been possible, had I continued on my workout regimen.  However, I slacked off after the first week of January, so I have no one to blame, but myself.  I think I am too comfortable being this size.  I don't think of myself as fat, or overweight, or chunky... until I see a picture of myself.  Or when I have to go somewhere and actually get out of my pajamas, and I realize that none of my clothes fit anymore.  I remember being a size 8 in highschool.  I remember weighing 125 lbs and complaining "I'm so fat!"  What an idiot I was!  Now, I would happily settle for a size 12 and 150lbs.  I've set my goal weight at 145 lbs.  I'm just not very motivated to do the work necessary to get there.  I need to do something though.  I'm going to be a bridesmaid in Robbi's wedding in August and I'm going to be singing at the reception of Maryann's wedding in September.  I also need to change my eating habits.  I don't eat very much, only once or twice a day, but the things I do eat aren't perfect.  I don't eat a bunch of sugar or fried foods or  anything like that, but I'll eat a bowl of cheerio's for breakfast and a double cheeseburger for lunch.  I can't get away from my sweet tea addiction, though.
I had started a workout routine and a diet log and I was pretty faithful for the first week.  I can't make myself workout if Aaron is here, and he's here 4 days out of the week.  I also can't make myself clean while he's here... I don't know why.

In Other Words...

There is a lot on my mind, as usual.  There are so many things that I want to say/type/write but the words are stuck in my head.  I know how I feel, but you don't.


I wish that I could write the way others do.  I want to be able to write so eloquently that the reader is transported into my mind.  I want to be so exquisitely descriptive that the reader is able to visualize every single sentence and bring it to life.  I love reading what others have written, most of the time.  I've come across some blogs on the internet that I read and go "huh?".  I also have a thing about misspelling. Not the intentional 'cuz, goin', whatcha, etc. etc. etc. And I don't usually care if the grammar is off or a comma misplaced, because I do the same things... I hate commas. WHERE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GO?!?! But, it's the misuse of they're, there, and their.  And the just plain ol' misspelled words that bug me, not the typos.  I find myself correcting other people.  Sometimes I try to ignore their spelling but it bugs the crap out of me!  I must be crazy. And perhaps a bit of a control freak?  I don't know.  All I know is, when I'm writing to someone and I don't know exactly how a word is spelled I look it up before putting it in my text.  I can't just guess and think "They know what word that is." or "They won't know if it's misspelled, anyway."


I love having the internet. It's pretty new to me.  I'm addicted!  It keeps me in touch with the rest of the world, which is great because I think otherwise I may go crazy being cooped up in this tiny house with small children and no adult conversation.


Anyway my point, and the reason for the title, is that I wish I could put my thoughts in other people's words.  The people that speak/write well.

Procrastination

PROCRASTINATION
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

Leads to

Poetic Injustice

Well, I just posted some of my poetry.  Enjoy, or don't, I don't care.

Walls

WALLS
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

You built it up and tore it down
Locked the door that let's me in
You build it up and down
again

You shut the window drew the blinds
Blocked view of thought and skin
You build it up and down
again

You made it higher, wider still
Destroyed all hope of mend
You build it up and down
again

I can't go over, around, or through
So I wait until the end
Of your building up of walls
again

Promises / Compromise

PROMISES
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

'Tis better to surprise a friend
with conversation or company,
than to disappoint once again
with a promise you can't keep




COMPROMISE
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

Over the years battles fought
Without obtaining lessons taught
Togetherness we have sought
Slowly keeping stride

Our Future

OUR FUTURE
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

We will make it
We will thrive
We will do more
Than just survive

We will prosper
We will live
We will have
Enough to give

We will gain
We will not lose
We will have
The choice to choose

We will laugh
We will love
We will praise
The Lord above

We will be
Forever more
After entering
Heaven's door

Because Of You

BECAUSE OF YOU
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

I can see
I can smell
I can hear
I can speak
I can walk
I can feel
I can sing
I can think
I can run
I can jump
I can dance
I can fear
I can laugh
I can cry
I am free
I am here

Admiration

ADMIRATION
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

She's honest and sweet
She sometimes is loud
She can get on my nerves
She makes me so proud

She's funny and fun
She can be annoying
She's got an opinion
She never is boring

She makes me laugh
She makes me cry
She makes mistakes
But so do I

She's nice and blunt
Not always polite
She loves to love
But not to fight

She shares her wisdom
So I will learn
She gives what she can
Expects no return

She's amazing and beautiful
Unlike any other
She's one of a kind
She must be my mother

Quiet Despair

QUIET DESPAIR
BY: CONSTANCE SORROW

For days and days I sit in wait
To hear from you my decided fate
I sit and wait in quiet despair
Yet still no call from you is there

Exposing my heart for you to see
But you have forgotten me
I wait and cry in quiet despair
I've learned you do not really care

I give myself again and again
Searching for my only friend
I cry and sigh in quiet despair
This troubled time is mine to bear

To bear alone, it is my fear
Because you are no longer near
I sigh and sleep in quiet despair
My burden heavy, now I don't care

I've given up, I'm giving in
You've fallen short, my faithful friend
I sleep and sleep without despair
My heart, with no one, I will share

Dumpster Diver

I've been up since 6am going through bags of trash, garbage, refuse.  Why?  Aaron decided that he wanted to clean last night.  At 2 o'clock in the morning.  And he was mad because I wasn't helping and he wanted it done immediately.  I was asleep and woke up to him throwing all kinds of stuff away.  His logic "If it's in the floor then it must be trash."  Mind you, if I went with this so-called "logic"  a lot of his shit would be missing.  Tools, clothes, headphones, paperwork.  I tried to explain to him that the things that he was throwing away were not originally on the floor.  I had put the paperwork on the desk, he threw it on the floor.  I put some things on the bed, he threw them on the floor.  Some items were on top of the dresser, he threw them on the floor.  Needless to say, he threw away some things of importance.  The strap to my train case (which wasn't on the floor, it was in the storage space with the tools), my electronic Scrabble game, a memoriam from a good friend's funeral, a couple of items from work, and some of Courtney's socks. UGH!


I am not a neat freak, okay.  He has known that about me for 10 years and it's still a very big issue with us.  He wants me to clean.  But he won't.  He claims that I am the problem and that if I weren't here that the place would stay clean.

Okay, so here's my logic:


1.  I am home more often than him, and with two kids.  It's not that easy to pick up after 3 people constantly.  If I weren't here, the kids wouldn't be either, so there would only be 1 person to pick up after.


2.  I have more stuff than him.  If I weren't here, my things wouldn't be either.  Less things, less opportunity for clutter.


3.  I am not dirty, I'm messy.  By this I mean that my house is deep cleaned, sanitized, swept, mopped, vacuumed, scrubbed, dusted, on an almost daily basis.  I may not pick up my shoes out of the living room,  the diaper bag off the floor, or my purse off the table, but I clean... not just straighten.  He has NEVER scrubbed the toilet/tub/shower, mopped, vacuumed, cleaned the litter box, dusted, sanitized counters, or washed anyone's clothes other than his own.  AND the ONLY reason he washes his own clothes now is because I REFUSE to do it for him anymore.  I was my clothes and both of the kids clothes.  And I had to teach him how to use a washer and dryer.  He's been catered to his whole life.  I am his wife, not his maid, not his mother.  If I weren't here, sure the place would LOOK tidier, but the toilet would be disgusting, the shower slimy and molded, the floors sticky, dust everywhere... you get the picture.


Anyway, he tells me not to treat him like a child, yet I have to wake up at 5am to make sure he's up for work, I have to cook his dinner because he doesn't know how, I used to have to wash his clothes...  


I don't mind doing things for my husband, but only when I know he COULD do them for himself.  I can't go ANYWHERE because he doesn't know how to take care of the baby.  He's not once changed a dirty diaper, and only MAYBE changed 2 pee pee diapers...


It's all a bit overwhelming.  I'm just tired of having the same fight.

That Is So Gay...

I love my job.  I love what I do.  I actually think I'm pretty good at it, too... Hey that rhymed!  Today was a good day at work.  I did A LOT of makeup.  I always enjoy "beating faces" as Dustin would say.  I wish we had gay guys that worked with us at MOG.  There is just entirely too much estrogen running around that place.


TANGENT:  I recall one time at poker I kept saying the phrase "That is so retarded." and "I'm such a retard."  I was with my friend Jessy and she kept looking at me funny.  We were talking with some guy that was a regular at poker and when he went to the bathroom she explained to me that he has a child that is mentally "challenged".  When he came back from the bathroom, I tried NOT to say the word "retarded" and it made me say it more.
And a few times at work I said the phrase "That is so gay." and my boss informed me that it was not politically correct.  I stopped saying it.  I then found out that she had been in a relationship with a woman.  How doh is that?  I never meant to be disrespectful.  I would never say something like that to hurt or offend someone.


I like gay people.  They are so gay (in the happy sense of the word).  In Mississippi, I worked with three gay men and they were the best people there.  So much fun to hang out with and so funny!  I really enjoyed their energy. And Dustin is one of the most talented makeup artists I've known.


I smell crap.  I think the baby just pooped. Hold on.


K. I'm back.


Anyway, I don't understand why there is so much hate in the world.  I wish I could make it all go away.  I wish that everyone could see things the way I see them.  I'm running out of things to say...


O.K. let's talk about race.  It's so funny to some people because I haven't taught Courtney that there are white people and black people. Or yellow and brown people.  She just knows that there are people, and I explained to her that darker people are just like lighter people, just with more melanin in their skin.  I don't want her to grow up with racism like I did.  I don't want her to ever hear the "n" word, although Aaron's mother and grandmother have used it in front of her.  I don't want her to hear it again.  I have to tell these people that they are entitled to their opinion but they will not force their ignorance on my children.  Star, my used-to-be boss is, for lack of a better term, black.  She always laughs at me when I say I'm black.  She's told some people that I am more black than some black people.  And once my friend Misha and I were at Skelly's (a bar in Buford) and while we were there she looked all around and said "Renee! I am the only black person in here."  I simply looked around and said "ME TOO!!"  I just don't understand the whole color thing.  Why does it matter?  And ignorant people will say "Black people" do this and do that... I say "Oh, yeah, you're right!  No white person has ever murdered or raped or stolen from someone.  For me there are good people and people who have room for improvement.  No. You can't trust everyone.  And yes.  I would be more comfortable being confronted by a white guy in a business suit than a black guy all thugged out looking shady.  But for me the exact opposite is true, as well.  I would be more comfortable being confronted by a black guy in a business suit than an Eminem look-a-like.  Anyway, I think it's funny when black women come into the store and look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if I can help with anything.  And I look at them crazy when they ask "Where's the makeup for black people?"  Really?  Makeup for black people, makeup for white people.... I mean COME ON!!!  They are always so reluctant when they get in my chair for a makeover and they've even requested to have "her" do their makeup (usually Misha, Gail, Star, Ebony or someone else that is the same skin color as them.)  And I have to tell them that I'm the only makeup artist available.  And EVERY SINGLE TIME by the end of the consultation they are acting like my best friend and we're laughing and they finally trust me.
I don't know, it's just all so... retarded.


I've obviously run out of things to say because I'm just saying random stuff.  I saw Star today, who is black and bisexual (I guess).  I guess that's why I'm on the subject but, my point is, I don't care how people live their lives as long as they aren't hurting anyone else or themselves.


Maybe I'll post some of my poetry.....

A Moment Of Silence

That's what I have right now, just a moment.  Carter is asleep, Courtney is playing in her room, Aaron is at Wal-Mart and things are quiet... finally.  I have had a kinda rough day, not terrible, just frustrating.  I gave up on trying to write/record the song I was supposed to have done yesterday.  I woke up late which meant that Courtney was late for school.  Carter was a really good baby for the first half of the day but has been screaming ever since.  Courtney was never this fussy.  He wants to be held all the time.  I can feed, burp, change, and play with him and as soon as I put him down he starts fussing and the fussing turns into crying and the crying turns into screaming.  I feel bad for saying this, but I want some time away from the kids.  That's just me being honest.  The only time I'm away from them is when they are at my mom's house, and while they are there I am working.  I just want one day with no kids, no work, no worries.  I want to sleep in and lay on the couch watching t.v. (which we don't have).  I want to eat when I want to eat, sleep when I want to sleep, and not have to spend a whole day with a headache. Just for one day.  Does that make me a bad mommy?  I'm sure it's normal for mothers to be overwhelmed to the point where they just want to scream and cry.
Aaron is annoying the crap out of me.  Sometimes the way he talks in that high-pitched "baby" voice and the way he inhales his food while pacing in the kitchen and they way he plays his music over and over again just make me want to scream.  The past couple of days I've had to just ask him to go hang out with Joey or go to the store, just to get a moment's peace. Or I should say a piece of a moment.  I guess I am being selfish.  It's not that I don't want to take care of my children.  It surely isn't because I don't love them, because I do love them more than anything in the whole world.


Yesterday was a pretty good day.  I got to hang out with Robbi most of the day and we put together a picture frame set with pictures of us with our friend Misha.  We gave it to her last night, it was her last night at Sephora.  :(  I'm gonna miss her.  


I don't want to stay on here too long because Aaron should be back soon.
I guess I'll go for now.

Up And At Em'!!

Crazy day already.  I didn't even try to go to sleep until after midnight and I was up most of the night with Courtney because she was puking and had a tummy ache (bad enough that she was doubled over in pain and crying).  Took her to the E.R. at 7am and found out she's constipated... greeeeaaaaaattt.  I'm supposed to pick up Robbi in 2 hours and I still have to take a shower, get dressed, put on make-up, clean out the car, and get the baby ready.  Not to mention the fact that I have to wash Courtney's sheets and blankets from last night and finish cleaning the house and pick her up from school.  All of this while feeding  a baby, changing diapers, going shopping, taking pictures....  You see why I'm overwhelmed?  The hardest part is that I was supposed to have a song finished for Misha and I haven't even started.  It's not that I haven't tried, but I've been so busy, and when I did have a free moment, nothing moved me.  It's usually not THIS hard for me to write a song and record it.  I can usually do it all in about an hour.  I'm just frustrated....

Well.... Not a very deep subject.

I find myself wanting to say something profound.  I know that the words are there, but they are just out of reach. Maybe it's because I'm tired, or maybe there's just too much going on in my head at the moment.  I'm supposed to be recording a song for a friend of mine who is leaving state this week.... but I can't.  I can't pick the beat, I can't find the words, I got nothin'. This is a stupid blog. Why did I write this? Boredom. That must be it.

On another note, Courtney is sick.  She's been waking up the past few hours to vomit.  She says that her tummy hurts really bad and then she pukes and suddenly it doesn't hurt anymore and she goes back to sleep.  It's taking everything within me not to rush her to the hospital.  Aaron says she'll be fine and it's probably just a virus or something.  I just hate not knowing why she's sick.  No fever or other symptoms. Just vomiting and tummy ache.

I'd better get to bed.  I got a BIG day tomorrow and both kids are sound asleep... for now.

"BEST FRIEND"

You have really hurt me.  You contantly say that you will call or come over and you never do.  I don't know if you are mad at me for some reason or if you just don't desire my friendship anymore.  Maybe you just keep forgetting me. I think I would prefer the first two instead of just being forgotten because at least that way it's not because I just don't matter.
The only times that I HAVE seen you outside of work you insisted on bringing Joe or Kelley.  Am I not enough for you?  Do I bore you?  I've tried to make excuses for you... you've been busy planning the wedding, repairing your house, working.  However, you seem to find plenty of time for everyone else in your life.
The thing that finally made me question our friendship was when I found out through Facebook that you were going to see Departure's first gig of 2011 and you didn't even invite me. Even though I saw you at work the day of and the day after. You acted like it didn't even happen. You know that I have a babysitter on weekends so I can work.  Why didn't you want me to go?
Well, I don't know what will happen to "us".
Right now I want to ignore you and forget about you as you have so easily done to me. Perhaps that's what you want.
Either way.
Whatever.
I don't want to care about you anymore the way I used to.  I don't want to open myself up to even more hurt and disappointment.

I am so sick and tired of "friendships".
I just want a real friend.  Someone I can be myself around (not that anyone's ever stopped that from happening) and someone that can be themself around me.  I want someone who I can talk to anytime, someone who desires my company.  Someone who isn't afraid to tell me my flaws and still make me feel wonderful and special.  I need a real friend.  Someone who doesn't shut me out or contantly break their promises.

Right now I have no real friends.  I can't name even one.

I started to question myself... Is something wrong with me?  Am I THAT bad, that no one wants to be around me?  Am I not fun or funny or honest or caring enough?  But I know that I AM.  I am fun, funny, honest, and caring among other things.  I can be a great friend if someone would give me a chance.

I'm wondering if God has something to do with this.  I asked to be closer to Him.  Perhaps I need to be further from the world to be closer to Him...  I don't know.  Maybe I'm not a good friend.  But if I'm not, wouldn't it benefit me to at least know WHY so that I may better myself as an individual?  If i'm not a good friend, or person for that matter, I wish that someone would tell me what I can work on.

For "you", the person to which this was written,  I am still here.  I still love you and I STILL want to be your friend.  Friendships, to me are like relationships.  They are relationships.  People get hurt, disappointed, sometimes even betrayed.  But all of the love and good times and laughs and smiles are 10x more powerful than any negative feeling.
Because these thoughts have consumed me for quiet some time now, I have to let it go.  I, unfortunately, have to forget what we had, even if just temporarily, so that I can move on with life.

JUST WHAT I NEEDED

So, I've started a blog. YAY! I've been keeping a kind of "journal" on the computer, but this is way better and doesn't use as much space! I'm going to post the last few entries I've made on the computer so I can delete them and just start using this as my medium.

10/13/10

Well, it's almost 8pm. I'm lonely. I've had a decent day. I went with Stacy, my neighbor, to turn in my food stamp review paperwork and then to the health dept. to refill my WIC vouchers. Thank God because formula is expensive. My phone is cut off, I'm not complaining because I have no right to. We haven't paid anything towards the bill in probably 2 months. But it means that I am practically cut off from the world. I can receive calls and texts, which makes me realize just how much people think about me, because the phone hasn't rang all day. I got most of the house cleaned and did a load of laundry. Courtney is in the shower now and Carter is napping.

I just wish Aaron would call me or even better... come home.

He's working so hard for so little reward, but I know that things are going to be great very soon... I just KNOW it! God loves us and He wants the best for us so I know it's coming. We just have to be a little patient.
Man, I really miss Aaron. I wish he would have a day off so I could at least SEE him! He leaves around 4:30am and doesn't get home sometimes until 11pm or later! Every once in awhile he'll get home around 6pm and those days are awesome because I get to hear his voice and see his face!
Baby's cryin'.
ok, I'm back. Got Courtney out of the shower and ready for bed. Got the baby calmed down... must be gas.
I love my little family so much. I know that I was a little upset and anxious when I found out I was pregnant again, but in all honesty, I'm glad that Carter is here with us and I know that God has something wonderful planned for him and Courtney, too.
I've been sick the past few days. Runny nose, sore throat, sneezing, typical cold symptoms. Fairly certain I got it from Courtney, because she was sick last week.
It's now 8:30pm and guess what?!?! AARON CALLED ME! I heard his ringtone coming from the livingroom and shot out of this chair like there was a fire!!! I just didn't want to miss his call. He just told me that he ran out of gas... that sucks. But, he got it taken care of.
Wow, I love my family sooooo much!!!
Baby's cryin'.
10/16/10
It's 6:40am, and I'm wide awake. Today is Saturday, which means that I start back to work tomorrow! I'm so ready to work! Plus, it'll be nice to get a little paycheck and contribute to some of these bills that are plaguing us right now. I'm only working 6 hours tomorrow, but I should get more next weekend which means that my first paycheck should be for about 20 hours. That will be almost $200 that we can use towards bills on the 29th. We're gonna catch up on all of this, I KNOW it!!
MATH TIME: RENT - $550, ELECTRIC - $200, TITLE PAYMENT - $180, CAR INSURANCE - $80, PHONE BILL - $75, WATER - $50. That's $1,135 we need to bring in each month. This does not include the money that we still owe for past due amounts.
TOTALS OF WHAT WE OWE RIGHT NOW: TITLE PAYMENT - $1,500, ELECTRIC - $400, MIKE AND VICKI - $370, PHONE BILL - $320, CAR INSURANCE - $160, WATER - $80. That's a GRAND TOTAL of $2,830 that we need to be caught up, and not have to OWE anyone! WOW!!! Can't wait to win the lottery... So let's see... If Aaron can bring in a weekly profit of $300 and I can bring in a weekly profit of $150, that will be $1,800 per month, meaning that we should be able to pay our bills on time and use about $500 per month to catch up on what we still owe. So we should be able to be debt free within 6 months, hopefully sooner!
10/18/10 
Well, Saturday at 11:00am, I called Sephora to confirm that I was supposed to be working on Sunday from 1-7... and thank God I did because:
ME: "Hey, Yolanda, it's Renee Sorrow. I talked to Waz earlier this week and she said I'm working tomorrow 1-7. I was just calling to confirm. "
YOLANDA: "Let's see, Renee. You are 12-8 today and 11-7 tomorrow. "
ME: "Ok... I appreciate the level of communication... Um, I'm at home with 2 children and no vehicle... I guess I can call my mom, who lives an hour away and see if she can pick up the kids."
YOLANDA: (chuckles) "You want me to make some calls and see if I can get it covered?"
ME: "HAHA! NO! I want to work."
YOLANDA: "You sure?"
ME: "Yeah, let me call my mom and I'll call you right back."
Anyway, luckily Mom and Donnie came and got the kids. I got to work at 1pm and worked until 9pm. I was supposed to get off at 8pm but Aaron was sleeping and didn't want to pick me up. I finally got in touch with him around 8:35pm and when he said it would be easier for me to get Robbi to bring me home (at 10:30pm!!) I decided I would see if they'd let me work a little longer. What really upset me was the fact that it was the first time in a LONG time that it was just me and Aaron and he couldn't even pick me up from work and spend time with me. I got home around 10:30pm and of course Aaron felt like I was the one who was wrong and that he was innocent in all of it. I wonder how he would've felt if the situation were reversed? What would he think if I told him that it would be easier for a co-worker to bring him home 2 and a half hours after he got off work, than it would be for me to drive 6 MILES to pick him up on time the only night that we had to spend quality time together?!?!
Whatever... I got in 14 hours this weekend and I'm working 12-9 next saturday and 11-7 next sunday. That's a total of 29 hours on my first paycheck which means i'll bring home about $350. And I'm paying mom and Donnie $50 per weekend that they watch the kids. So, I'll have about $250 profit... Hey, that'll pay the car title and car insurance, or the electric bill and water bill, or almost half of the rent!! EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS!! It sucks that Aaron doesn't know how to handle the baby... Then I could get in even more hours...
MAN, IT'S COLD!!!! I've gotta get this place cleaned up really good today so I can have maintenance fix the furnace! Plus, I gotta walk all the way to the front office to pay rent... 18 DAYS LATE!!!
Aaron's next check will have to be used to pay the car title payment (because we pawned the tile and got a loan a few months ago for $1,500). We also will need to pay electric, water, and car insurance with this check... so we need him to bring home a total check AFTER deductions of $1,350!!! Then we can combine my check and his check to pay rent on the 5th of November.
It's 10:35am now. I just got back a little while ago from paying rent. We owed $607 but I gave them a money order for $613, I told him to just put the rest toward our late fee for next month since we won't be able to pay until at least the 5th.
Carter has been a little fussy-butt this morning, he just wants me to hold him all day I guess. I put him in his bouncy chair and he's so tired he's crying and trying to fall asleep at the same time! Maybe he'll tire himself out in a minute and fall asleep for an hour or so.
Well, that's all for now I guess... I like keeping a computer journal. Sometimes I prefer to use my regular journal when I'm in the mood to write, but his is a lot faster!
10/19/10
It's 11:20am. I REALLY do want to get motivated and have the entire house (with the exception of Courtney's room) completely cleaned and organized. It's weird... I WANT to do it, but I can't find the will to do it. I have plenty of energy, and the baby it being really good right now. Speaking of the baby, it's funny, I was just in the livingroom holding him and talking to him. He was cooing and grinning and so happy. I noticed his diaper seemed a little wet and decided to change him and found that he had crapped himself... massively!!! How come he gets whiny before he poops and then is perfectly content sitting in his own crap and letting me bounce him on my knees? WEIRD!! He's in front of the "Halloween" tree right now staring at the lights and cooing! He's so darn cute! I love both of my kids so very much! I never saw myself as having a kid, let alone 2 of them, but now that I do, I can't imagine life any other way.
I guess it's almost time to feed Carter. He seems to be going from cooing to talking with frustration... This is gonna be a good day! It's beautiful outside and I am feeling a lot less sick today. I sure hope Aaron feels better soon, too!
It's 11:28am and I'm gonna go see if I can distract the baby long enough to make him a bottle.
10/25/10
On hold.... 5 minutes and counting.... 7....
Was on hold with the pediatrician's office. I've gotta take Carter up there at noon today for a follow-up visit. It's 11:25am now.... Guess I'd better get ready and go.
10/26/10
It is 5:40am. I really don't want to be awake right now, but Aaron just called me to talk about... nothing. So, needless to say, I'm up. Guess I'll take a nap once I get Courtney on the bus.
I know that I've had an "attitude" with Aaron the past few days. He really upset me yesterday, plus I think I resent the fact that he didn't go to the hospital to see his son Friday night.
Carter was running a high fever (102.2) Friday morning at 3:30am. So I took him to the pediatrician's office at about 10:00am on Friday morning. They wanted me to admit him to the hospital A.S.A.P. because of his age and fever (101.3) and his white blood cell count was really high (21). My mom came and picked us up and we checked Courtney out of school and took him to the hospital in Gainesville.
They drew blood and urine and stuck an i.v. in his head. They tested for flu and rsv and both came back negative. The doctor recommended that we do a spinal tap to test for menengitis. I didn't feel that it was a necessary procedure at that point because the 2 weeks before this Aaron and Courtney had both had a fever and nasal congestion, which were his symptoms as well. I spoke to my Granny Labretta and she advised that we wait 24 hours and if he wasn't getting better or if he was getting worse that we should consider it, because of his age. So, that's what we decided to do. They didn't administer antibiotics because they wanted to have a clear indication of his progress and they wanted us to stay for 48 hours. They checked his vitals all night long. Saturday morning another doctor came in and said that he hadn't had a fever all night. He listened to Carter's chest and asked if he had had any breathing treatments. I said "No.". I told the doctor that he hadn't had any fever reducer, antibiotics, or breathing treatments of any kind. The doctor said that he looked great and sounded great and that if he was still doing that well by 2pm, that they would release us from the hospital.
He was still doing well, so they released us and we left around 3:45pm. Because Carter's white blood cell count was still slightly elevated (16.1) they wanted us to do a follow-up at the pediatrician's office on Monday. So, needless to say, I was glad that we had waited on doing the spinal tap. (When the doctor explained the procedure and asked if I had any questions I said "Yeah, I'm just wondering if you would still recommend a spinal tap if we weren't on Medicaid." Hehe.)
Yesterday, Aaron was off work. I tried to get him to come to the pediatrician with me and Carter, but he wouldn't. He slept really late and the only time he really talked to me was when he was trying to get laid. Let's just say, I felt a little unappreciated. Also, the fact that he had no part of Carter's sickness really frustrates me. Aaron barely even talks to the baby. And I don't recall him picking Carter up not even once yesterday.
Yes, I know that Aaron works. I know that he works hard. I just wish that he would realize that he only gets a few precious hours with his family here and there, and I wish he would take advantage of that time together and actually be "a part" of our lives. Even when Aaron has a day off, I don't feel like I see him.
Well, it's 7:35am now. Courtney is ready for school already, we're just waiting to get on the bus.
Okay, it's now 8:25am. Courtney left for school about 20 minutes ago. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I took the baby to the doctor yesterday morning and he still has had no fever since Friday. They drew blood and his white blood cell count is back to normal (11). We did postpone his 2 month check-up and immunizations since he just got over a fever. We've got an appointment next Monday.
Sounds like he's about to wake up to eat... AGAIN!!! This child is 9 weeks old and weighs 12 POUNDS!! HE'S MY FAT BABY!!

It's 1:10pm... still haven't been able to take a nap. Everytime I lay down and start to doze off the baby wakes up or the phone rings. I just wanted like an hour of sleep, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. The house is a wreck but I honestly don't have the energy to clean right now. UGH! It sucks because I want to clean! I'm tired of looking at a mess, but I don't want to get off the couch. Good thing we don't have cable or I'd probably NEVER get off the couch... Well, I guess I'll try and make an effort to clean up a little... at least enough to be comfortable in here.
10/27/10
It's 2:45pm and I just woke up from a little nap. YAY ME!! I've got less than an hour before Courtney gets off the bus. And who knows what time Aaron will be home... Not me, because I've tried calling him all day and he hasn't answered his phone. Halloween is Sunday. I'm working 11-7 and then we're going trick or treating. Unless people will be trick or treating on Saturday... I think we're just gonna go on Sunday... I dunno!
It's been raining almost all day. I wanna walk to the gas station to get a pack of cigs but I'm afraid I'll get the kids caught in the rain. Plus the cigs there are really expensive. Oh well, I know I need to quit anyway. It's just really difficult.
I need to do dishes and laundry, too. Those tasks seem to be somewhat difficult as well!
I seem to have run out of things to say.
It's 4:35pm now and guess what... it's raining again. I've started cleaning the livingroom and doing the dishes. Now, I'm smoking cigarette butts... how pathetic.
10/29/10
Yeah, so, last night Aaron accused me of "not being a team player". It's funny, I don't recall him being a team player when Carter was in the HOSPITAL, or when I needed a ride home from WORK, or EVERY FREAKIN DAY HE'S OFF AND NOT SPENDING TIME WITH HIS FAMILY!! HE'D RATHER SIT IN THIS SMOKEY DISGUSTING BEDROOM DOING HIS MUSIC OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!
He claims I wasn't being a team player because I didn't want to get our kids out of bed at 4:30am to take him to work and then drive all the way back home to get Courtney on the bus and then drive all the way to Decatur to pay HIS ticket for running a stop sign and then drive all the way back home again to get Courtney off the school bus and then drive back to Tucker to pick him up and then all the way back home again!!! When was he thinking that I would have time to feed the baby or change his diaper? Plus the fact that I'd be in frickin traffic all afternoon! What would've happened if I wasn't here in time to get Courtney off the bus?
I'm not a team player? I haven't asked him once to get up with the baby in the middle of the night. I haven't once demanded that he change a dirty diaper. I'm the one that will stay up all night to make sure HIS clothes get washed and dried. I'm the one that knows what bills are due and who to pay them to. I'M the one that cleans the house, cooks dinner, does laundry, helps with homework, gets Courtney to and from school, feeds the kids, gets little sleep, cleans the litter box, feeds the animals, shops for groceries, notices that the car needs air in the tire and oil (even though I never get to drive it!), keeps track of Courtney's school activities, makes sure he's awake, PAYS ANY ATTENTION TO THESE KIDS!!!! And he had the NERVE to act like I don't do anything?!?!
I rarely ask for anything, and when I do it's for him to step away from the music for an hour or two and spend time with his family, me and the kids... And he can't even do that. If he really doesn't want to be around us, then so be it. I won't say shit to him. The only time he talks to me is when he wants to get laid, anyway...
But one day he's going to wake up and wonder why he doesn't feel like a part of this family. He's gonna wonder why the kids respond to me more than him. He's gonna wonder why they talk to me and not him. He's going to wonder where the years went and why he missed them growing up... and it's all going to be his fault. His own fault that he is too preoccupied with other things and puts his family on the back burner. His own fault that he's not here for us when we need him. And if he's not careful, he's going to have the same relationship with his kids that I have with my father. We rarely speak and when we do, it's awkward. We see each other maybe once a year. We say "I love you." because we feel obligated.
So, I'm going to let him have his time to himself. Let him sit in here chain smoking and making music. I hope he's happy.
10/30/10
It's about 6am. On a Saturday. Courtney doesn't have school. I don't have to work. And I'm still up at 6am. Bummer. I was really hoping to catch up on a little sleep. I guarantee I will be taking a nap today!! And it's going to feel so good! Tomorrow is Halloween. I'm going as a farmer, Courtney as Snow White, Carter as a baby. I don't know yet if Aaron will be joining us. I certainly hope so. I got my schedule changed so that I get off at 5pm tomorrow instead of 7pm. That way i'll have time to come home and get Courtney ready and do Stacy's (my neighbor's) make-up.


11/03/10
I've had a few busy days the past few days. On Sunday, I had to take Aaron to work in Tucker at 5:00am, then come home and get ready for work myself. I left here at 8:45am to take the kids to the church and drop them off with Mom and Donnie. Then I got to work at 9:40am. I was scheduled at 10:00am but the opening manager (Nirinya) didn't show up until 10:35am. Work was hectic and insanely busy (it was Halloween). I was supposed to leave at 5:00pm but didn't get to clock out until 10 minutes after. I came home and got Courtney dressed in her costume, then I did my neighbors makeup and Courtney's makeup. We left a few minutes before 7pm to meet Robbi at the mall and follow her to her sister Ambra's house. Then we went trick or treating for about an hour and a half. We finally got home about a quarter til 10pm. I was so tired I passed out, and so did Courtney. Monday, I took Courtney to school, then Jadon to his doctor's appointment. He got his 2 month shots and they said he looks great. He's now 13lbs. 4oz. and 22 and 1/2 inches long. After that we went to the mall to see Star and visit Sephora so I could take Misha a pic I drew for her. Then we went to Kroger and got infants tylenol for Jadon. We came home and me and the baby both took a nap until about 3pm. Then I changed an explosive diaper (ewwww) and Donnie showed up to show us his Little People Furniture. Then Courtney got off the bus and we went back to the mall to see Star again and buy some makeup for my mom. Then we went to Walgreens to pick up a prescription for Jadon for his yeast around his little willie. Then we finally got back home and cleaned up a little. The day went by so fast!
Then yesterday, Tuesday, Courtney didn't have school. Aaron had a training from 8am-1pm. I found out the his bank account was overdrawn $146 and broke down in tears. I am so ready for a change. I hope Courtney and Jadon don't ever remember us having to struggle like this. I want what's best for my kids. I don't want to have to move her to a different school, AGAIN! I remember what it was like to move every year and have to start over making friends and losing good friends every year. I remember feeling like an outcast pretty much until high school when we finally settled down. I don't want that for my children. I want them to be comfortable. I'm not asking to be rich or immensly wealthy, I don't even know what I would do with that kind of money. I don't want fancy cars, a huge house, nice clothes, jewelry, big screen t.v.'s, internet, cable, the newest cell phones, game systems... NONE OF THAT! I just want to be able to provide a safe comfortable living environment for my children. I want to be able to afford to buy food. I want to have reliable transportation. I want to be out of debt and able to pay my bills on time. THAT IS ALL I'M ASKING FOR!!!
If I won the lottery the first thing I would do would be to pay off all my bills and contribute 10% to the church. It would make me so happy to be able to buy Pastor a bigger building that would be his and help the church grow. I would buy a small crossover type vehicle that would fit the whole family and a little 4 bedroom 3 bath house that is comfortable, not too big. I would put away money for my kids education and future. I would buy Aaron his 2010 Camaro (although it's not a neccesity :) ) I would find a way to help all the people who have helped us over the years. I would buy a house for my parents to put on their own land and pay off their vehicle.
Basically, I need to get $100,000,000. 10 million for the church, 1 million for my parents, 1 million each for the kids, 1 million for bills and random people, and the rest would buy us a house and two cars, and be enough for us so live off of for the rest of our lives!!!
Wishful thinking right... But I would settle for a stable career for me and Aaron that would earn us enough to pay our bills on time. Honestly, I don't need all that money. I don't wish that I never had to work again. I enjoy earning my way! I enjoy working. I just want to not have to cry about our account balance anymore!!!
Well, it's happening. I'm starting to HATE Aaron's music. DESPISE it. Become JEALOUS of it!!! When Aaron is here, that's all he does! He's even starting to stay up until midnight or later knowing he has to be up at 4:30 to get ready for work! Not only is it all he does, it's all talks about. I feel so alone! Why won't he drop it for a couple of hours and spend time with me and the kids? Why can't he stop thinking about it long enough to have a conversation with me? HE'S OBSESSED!! IT'S ANNOYING AND FRUSTRATING! I swear, yesterday, I wanted to throw the computer outside and set it on FIRE I was so irritated! And he plays it so loud! UGH!!!!
OK, it's 11:20am now. I am so tired. I want a nap but I don't think the baby will let me! He's so cute, though, I can't be upset with him! I REALLY need to clean house today. Let's just hope I can find the energy!
11/08/10
Wow! A crazy couple of days! Friday, Aaron fired his employee, Steve. Saturday he brought my brother, Charles, on to work for him. Friday I took the kids to the church and dropped them off with my parents, then I came home and cut Stacy's hair. Saturday I took Aaron and Charles to work then went to Norcross to pick up Charles' puppies medication. I worked from 1-10. Sunday, which was yesterday, I went to church at 9am, then went to Athens and picked up my sister and her boyfriend. We went to our family Thanksgiving dinner. It was fun! Then I had to take them home and go to a dinner meeting for work at Longhorn's Steakhouse... NUM NUMS!! This morning mom brought the kids home. We took Courtney to school and then went to Kroger to get formula for the baby and I used the rest of the WIC vouchers for mom. So now she has plenty of milk, eggs, cheese, beans, cereal, and fresh produce!! Wednesday I have to go to Courtney's school for a parent/teacher conference at 2:50pm... I kinda hope Aaron is off that day, but I doubt he will be.
Busy, busy, busy!!!
11/09/10
Weeeee!!! Things are back to normal. Meaning that I got my babies home and we are back into our regular routine. Tomorrow I have a parent/teacher conference with Mrs. Acevedo, Courtney's 1st grade teacher. I'm excited! I can't wait to hear what she has to say about my little angel!
I must say that I feel bad about how much time I get to spend with Courtney. I feel like the most I get to say to her is "Please, calm down." "Stop doing that." "Be quiet." or "Please, move." I don't think she is just trying to get attention. I think she is just being a normal 6 year old. Yesterday, I played Old Maid with her. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to spend quality time with her while I have down time and don't have to take care of Carter. I don't ever want her to resent her little brother. I want her to love him and look after him. I want both of my children to have strong family ties.
11/11/10
The parent/teacher conference went well yesterday. Her teachers said that she is progressing very well. I've been cleaning and rearranging the house literally all day. It's now 1:34pm and i'm taking a smoke break. Last night Aaron got really pissed at me for not having the house cleaned when he got home last night from work. He was really over reacting, yelling, cussing, talking to himself so I could hear it, and throwing my stuff in the garbage. I told him I would clean today and he still kept going on and on about it.
It's a full time job keeping up with these kids and taking care of them. I wanted to say "When do I get a day off? When do I get to sleep in late? When do I get to do whatever I want, when I want? When do I get to go a full day without cleaning, cooking, feeding kids, changing diapers, helping with homework, getting Courtney to and from school, and doing all the other little things I have do to EVERYDAY?" When Aaron has a day off, he doesn't have to do anything. OKAY, SO I WENT A COUPLE OF DAYS WITHOUT MAKING SURE THE HOUSE WAS FRICKIN SPOTLESS!!! SO WHAT!?!? I still did everything else I was supposed to do, I still took care of our children.
I had to take Aaron to pick up Charles yesterday morning and drive them to Tucker, then come home, get Courtney ready for school, walk her to the bus stop, come back home, take a shower, get dressed, get ready for the conference, pick up Courtney from the bus stop, drive to her school, spend and hour at her school, come back home, feed both kids, do the mommy thing all day, listen to a screaming baby, drive to Walgreens to return movies, go to Tucker to pick up Aaron and Charles, take Charles home, and then finally come back home for the rest of the night.... UGH!!! I did clean up yesterday, the place was disgusting, trash everywhere, diapers everywhere, children's clothes and toys, all kinds of crap!! I just didn't make it immaculate. SUE ME!!! I NEEDED A BREAK!!! I took a couple of naps because I was exhausted. Aaron doesn't realize all I do for this family... and I don't think he even cares. To him it's just woman's work, easy bullshit, but when I left him with the baby and Courtney for 2 HOURS he was freaking out.
How would he feel if he had to do it all alone for an entire day? Would Courtney ever get fed, or her homework done? Would she get a shower and have her hair done for school? Would she be dressed like a ragdoll? Would the baby have to sit in a shitty diaper all day because Aaron refuses to change one? Would he be able to all the motherly stuff I have to do all day and still have all the laundry and dishes done, the floors swept and mopped, the toilet scrubbed, all the trash taken out, toys and books and schoolwork put away, and dinner ready???? He doesn't even know our children's schedules, when Courtney goes to school and comes home, when the baby eats, meetings with teachers, homework, NOTHING!!
Ok, it's almost 2pm. I'd better get back to work before the shit hits the fan today.
Welp... it's 7pm now. I've got most of the house done, well, half of it anyway. I still need to sweep and mop and fold laundry. I haven't touched the bathroom yet. We'll see how I feel after I finish the livingroom and bedroom. AND I AM NOT CLEANING COURTNEY'S ROOM! I have to clean and organize her room about once a week, and when I do it it's perfect. But she pulls stuff out and doesn't put it back and had friends over and it gets DESTROYED!! Especially when Rayne comes over to play.
I'm almost done with my cigarette... I guess I'll finish cleaning and make some dinner... I'M STARVING! I haven't eaten ALL DAY just to make sure that I could get this place PERFECT for Aaron. Basically, the only break I've had was when I went to get Courtney from the bus stop. UGH!
11/12/10
It is Friday November 12, 2010 at 9:10am. Courtney isn't in school. So let's recap my night, shall we. I finally got to bed around 12:45 this morning. I was passing out, I was so tired, but I had to wait on Aaron's uniform to get done in the washer so I could put it in the dryer. I woke up around 2:45am because Courtney was wiggling around on the couch. She was burning up to the touch, so I took her temperature. 102.7. I gave her some tylenol around 3am. At 3:30am Carter woke up to eat. I fed him and I kept trying to go back to sleep but Courtney kept waking me up everytime I started to doze off. "Feel my head." "Under the arm or in the mouth?" Well, then it was time to get Aaron up. I drove to the gas station to get cigarettes and gas in the car for Aaron. I got a little bit of sleep off and on, but Courtney's been up pretty much since 3am. She woke me up again to ask me to open a fruit cup for her... At 9am I noticed she was bundled up with her blanket again, meaning she felt cold. So I took her temperature again. 102.2. I just gave her another dose of tylenol. It's 9:27am now and her temperature is 101.9. It's starting to go down again. She was just sick about a month ago. I'm so tired of these viruses making their way around our family. I'm trying to keep her away from Carter, I don't want the pediatrician to hospitalize him again.
I am scheduled 11-8 tomorrow. I really don't want to have to call out. I'm about to call mom and see if she is gonna be up to watching the kids tomorrow and a little bit on Sunday.
Okay, it's 10:37am now. I talked to mom and she's gonna get the kids tonight and I'll pick them up from church on Sunday after my meeting.
Courtney's temperature is steady at 100.4 with medication. I've been giving her water and juice to drink, she's eaten fruit for breakfast and for lunch we're having baked chicken and veggies.
I need to poop.
It's 1:42pm. I just gave Courtney another dose of children's tylenol. Her fever was back up to 102.2.

OKAY!! It's 4:32pm and her fever is 102.4. It's not even time for her to have tylenol yet, so we're just waiting... I just gave her a sheet to cover up with, she thinks she's cold. MY POOR BABY!!!
Carter is being really good today, thank GOD!
11/16/10
I was supposed to hang out with Robbi today. We were gonna decorate our Santa hats for work. I was REALLY looking forward to it, I have been since we made these plans on Sunday. Well, this morning she sent me a text.. that's right... a text, to tell me that her nephews have a basketball game today and they want her to go, and that we can get together on Thursday when she's off again. Needless to say, I'm a little more than disappointed.
I need to learn not to get my hopes up because, 9 times out of 10, I'm disappointed. I got my hopes up about her coming to my family get together, about her hanging out with me a couple of weeks ago (she showed up around 8:30pm with Joe and only stayed a little while), and now today. I just want some company, an adult to talk to, someone to listen to me...
I guess I'll just have to wait.

It's noon right now. I'm smoking a cigarette and contemplating cleaning the bathroom. Hey, I have nothing else to do today, right?
I'm pretty sure she forgot that she was gonna come see me today. I think she probably saw my post on Facebook this morning "Been looking forward to seeing you. Can't wait! But I'll have to because it's only 4:30am. Yay!!" I bet she saw that and thought "Oh crap. I was supposed to go over there today." I wonder if she even really wants to hang out with me anymore.
Well, my cigarette is gone. I guess I'll go do laundry and deep clean the bathroom.
woo.... hoo......
I mean, seriously, how long can a basketball game last? A couple of hours? Certainly not the entire day! Why can't she do both? The only thing I can think of is that she doesn't want to see me today, for whatever reason. Ok, I'm really gonna go clean the bathroom now.

OK, it's 12:24pm. I folded a load of laundry and got another one going. I'm preheating the oven and making me some baked chicken, turnip greens, and rice. I'M STARVING!!! So, cleaning the bathroom will have to wait a little while longer.
Listening to Neal Boortz...haha. It's something to do, I guess.
I ate lunch and then I passed out. Not really tired, just bored I guess. I heard the alarm clock radio in the bedroom, tuned into Clark Howard, while I was asleep on the couch in the livingroom! I heard Clark say "It's 3:35." and I jumped up off the couch and darted out the door just in time to see Courtney's bus driving by my house towards her bus stop!! Now that I've had a couple hours of sleep, I'm so NOT motivated to do ANYTHING in this house, but I will force myself to be productive and try to not think about how bummed I still am that Robbi blew me off. It's 4pm now. Guess I'll go now.
01/04/11

It's officially the new year... I just realized that I didn't write at all during December. A tornado hit Robbi's house on Dec. 1st and Aaron had an accident in the box truck on Dec. 2nd and went to jail for driving on a suspended license. His license wasn't supposed to be suspended. And because of the expenses incurred by the accident, Aaron had to shut down his business. Luckily, he is working with someone else doing the same thing 3 days a week. Anyway, I've been working and it was Christmas and before I knew it, the new year. It didn't feel like Christmas... or New Year's Eve/Day to me. It felt like another day. I've been battling a small bout of depression. I feel so busy, I need a day off. One day where I don't work, or cook, or clean, or change diapers, or help with homework, or any of the stuff I do EVERY SINGLE DAY. And Robbi hasn't helped my feelings at all. She has cancelled plans on me a few times and forgotten to call a few times, but then she'll send me a text saying how I'm her BFF and she misses me and we should hang out... I'M ALWAYS HERE!!! She has no reason not to hang out with me. Aaron... he just feels so far away. I need someone to talk to. All I EVER hear out of Aaron's mouth is negativity. He's complaining about work and the house not being cleaned. whatever.
My resolutions are more spiritual than anything. I want to be a shining example of God's love and I want to be the person God wants me to be. I want for the people I love to know God. I want a lot.
I gotta go.