Weather

I hate storms. Hate them. I don't mind rain, but I HATE thunder and lightning and hail and strong winds and even snow.  I wish my world could be all sunshine and rainbows and bright blue skies with fluffy white clouds and clear nights with lots of stars...  It's supposed to storm in a couple of hours and I am at home alone with the baby and Courtney will be getting off the bus at 3:30 and it'll probably already be raining by then...  SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS TRAILER!!!  There is a possibility of a tornado this evening. Aaron is at work and has the car and I REALLY don't want to be here!!

Whew

It's about 8pm on Friday.  Aaron left for a pool tournament.  Carter has had his bath and just fell asleep, Courtney is in her room playing, and I finally have a moment to myself... kinda.  I wish that we had a bathtub.  I would wait until everyone was asleep and light some candles, put on some classical music, and grab a glass of red wine and soak until my fingers and toes looked like dehydrated peaches.  I have to say that I am so glad that mom is taking the kids tomorrow and I am working 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday.  It's pretty sad when the only vacation you get is when you go to work.

I miss me.  I miss my humor, my wit, my outgoingness, my ability to be happy without having to make a conscious effort.  I was reading over my old blog from a few years back (maybe 4 or 5 years ago) and it felt like I was reading someone else's words.  I had forgotten what I used to be like.  How much fun I used to be.  How happy-go-lucky and carefree I used to be.  How funny I was.  Maybe it's all a part of growing up, being a parent, being in a relationship for 10 years... I don't know.

The End

I've been considering writing on this topic for weeks.  I haven't, partly because my internet connection has been shoddy, but mostly because I don't know how to say what I've been feeling.  I'm typing now, still not knowing what I am going to say, but I want to get it out.  Death.  That is the topic.  I think about death everyday.  I don't know why.  It's not something I am afraid of, I just can't help but think about it.  About how our time on this earth is limited.  I should say it's not something I worry about for myself.  I am saved and by the grace of my Savior Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross, I KNOW that I have a better place waiting for me.  I KNOW that God loves me and that He gave the ultimate sacrifice for my soul.  Everyday I ask God for forgivness of my sins.  Everyday I pray that He heal my body, and protect me and my family.  I worry about losing my children, my husband, my parents and siblings, my dearest friends.  I worry about losing my family, friends, and even acquaintances.  I do think about my own death everyday.  I don't think this is normal.  I wonder if anyone else thinks about it as much as me?  I mostly think about it when I am alone.  That is one reason why I enjoy company and fellowship with my family and friends.  It helps to take my mind off the morbid and makes my spirit happy.  When I am around others, death doesn't cross my mind nearly as often.  Now I'm searching for words.  I don't know what else to really write on the subject, other than it is on my mind... a lot.

Spare The Rod

So, today started out as a normal day, actually better than normal considering the fact that Carter slept almost 8 hours straight last night and was a very good baby most of the day.  Today is SuperBowl Sunday.  Aaron got off work early and we went to Joey and Ashley's to watch the game.  Courtney and Alex were playing and we were all hanging out watching the game.  A few times I had to tell Courtney to get away from Alex because Alex wouldn't stop hitting her.  Of course, Joey and Ashley would just say "No." whenever Alex would do something wrong, and barely with a raised voice.  Then when Alex kept hitting Courtney Joey told Alex she was in time-out and put her on the couch.  Alex started whining about getting down and Joey said no, but he let her go sit in Ashley's lap and be held.  Then Aaron and Joey decide that they are leaving to go get some marijuana, which apparently Aaron paid for with the understanding that Joey will pay him back.  It wasn't until they returned from picking it up that I found out that Aaron paid for it. Courtney was sitting on the couch and Alex got up on the couch and sat between Ashley and Courtney.  And again, Alex proceeded to keep hitting Courtney.  Then she kicked Courtney in the mouth and busted her lip.  Courtney starts freaking out because she is bleeding all over the place, and what happens to Alex?  She is told no, don't hit people.  Then Joey and Ashley casually say "She needs to be punished." "Yeah, she does."  Joey took her to the bedroom and gave her a spanking.


Now, I am pissed.  I have banned Courtney from being at their house while Alex is there because she is uncontrollable.  Every time she does something she's not supposed to, she is just told "no" over and over again and sometimes put in "time-out" in which she is still coddled by her parents.  Does that seem like punishment to a 2 and a half year old? No.
Every once in a while she will receive a spanking that obviously means nothing to her.


I am sick of parents who don't know how to punish their children and then wonder why they grow up to be unruly, disobedient, and violent.


Now, on top of all of this, I am pissed at Aaron.  He followed us home and checked on Courtney and I asked him if he had paid for Joey and Ashley's weed and he said "Yes."  We can't even pay our bills and he is spending OUR money on someone else's addiction?!?!  And he NEVER even consulted me, just assumed that it was a good idea, I guess.  Then he tells me that he is going back over to Joey and Ashley's and he wonders why I am pissed at him.  Really?! Do I not have a reason to be pissed?  You buy weed for someone without my knowledge and then go back over to their house while the blood is still fresh on OUR daughter's lip?!?!


Whatever.


Jerk.


They REALLY need to learn how to discipline their child and let her know that there are consequences for her actions.

Something In The Weigh

So, I weighed myself this morning.  I'm at 188lbs... still. I was hoping to be at 178 by now, which would have been possible, had I continued on my workout regimen.  However, I slacked off after the first week of January, so I have no one to blame, but myself.  I think I am too comfortable being this size.  I don't think of myself as fat, or overweight, or chunky... until I see a picture of myself.  Or when I have to go somewhere and actually get out of my pajamas, and I realize that none of my clothes fit anymore.  I remember being a size 8 in highschool.  I remember weighing 125 lbs and complaining "I'm so fat!"  What an idiot I was!  Now, I would happily settle for a size 12 and 150lbs.  I've set my goal weight at 145 lbs.  I'm just not very motivated to do the work necessary to get there.  I need to do something though.  I'm going to be a bridesmaid in Robbi's wedding in August and I'm going to be singing at the reception of Maryann's wedding in September.  I also need to change my eating habits.  I don't eat very much, only once or twice a day, but the things I do eat aren't perfect.  I don't eat a bunch of sugar or fried foods or  anything like that, but I'll eat a bowl of cheerio's for breakfast and a double cheeseburger for lunch.  I can't get away from my sweet tea addiction, though.
I had started a workout routine and a diet log and I was pretty faithful for the first week.  I can't make myself workout if Aaron is here, and he's here 4 days out of the week.  I also can't make myself clean while he's here... I don't know why.

In Other Words...

There is a lot on my mind, as usual.  There are so many things that I want to say/type/write but the words are stuck in my head.  I know how I feel, but you don't.


I wish that I could write the way others do.  I want to be able to write so eloquently that the reader is transported into my mind.  I want to be so exquisitely descriptive that the reader is able to visualize every single sentence and bring it to life.  I love reading what others have written, most of the time.  I've come across some blogs on the internet that I read and go "huh?".  I also have a thing about misspelling. Not the intentional 'cuz, goin', whatcha, etc. etc. etc. And I don't usually care if the grammar is off or a comma misplaced, because I do the same things... I hate commas. WHERE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GO?!?! But, it's the misuse of they're, there, and their.  And the just plain ol' misspelled words that bug me, not the typos.  I find myself correcting other people.  Sometimes I try to ignore their spelling but it bugs the crap out of me!  I must be crazy. And perhaps a bit of a control freak?  I don't know.  All I know is, when I'm writing to someone and I don't know exactly how a word is spelled I look it up before putting it in my text.  I can't just guess and think "They know what word that is." or "They won't know if it's misspelled, anyway."


I love having the internet. It's pretty new to me.  I'm addicted!  It keeps me in touch with the rest of the world, which is great because I think otherwise I may go crazy being cooped up in this tiny house with small children and no adult conversation.


Anyway my point, and the reason for the title, is that I wish I could put my thoughts in other people's words.  The people that speak/write well.