2 hours...

I am livid right now! I am angry and hurt and disappointed... I am so done with this whole situation.

My brother Lance is a thief and a liar.  He is a drug user and "hooks" people up. He has a filthy mouth. He is obsessed with pornography. He is an absent father. He has been this way for MANY years. He knows that he is this way. He has acknowledged that his behavior is just as I described. YET, he does nothing about it. He is in and out of jail. And every time he is IN jail, he SWEARS that he is gonna change. BUT, as soon as he gets OUT of jail, he goes right back to his same behavior. He lies to your face about EVERYTHING. He steals ANYTHING he can get his hands on. He is 24 years old and wants to be taken care of and that is EXACTLY what his parents are doing for him. He is catered to and BABIED and GIVEN whatever he wants. INCLUDING free reign over the house that I "share" with my parents. I am CONSTANTLY having to "babysit" him because he is here and I CAN NOT trust him. He has been told before not to be here unless my mom or step-dad were here and to only go into the livingroom, kitchen, and bathroom. NEVER HAPPENED. He has been told he cannot stay here. NEVER HAPPENED. He is STRESSING ME OUT TO THE POINT THAT I WANT TO CURSE AND SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am trying VERY HARD to hold my tongue! I am trying to be NICE! I am trying to WATCH HIM constantly, and take care of my 2 children, and take care of the house and yard, and tend to my marriage, and I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have told my parents how I feel! That's the WHOLE REASON why he wasn't supposed to be here without them here in the first place, so that I DON'T HAVE TO BABYSIT A 24 YEAR OLD LYING THIEF!!!  AND, when my mom found out that he is "hooking people up" with drugs, and lying about having a job, she told him that he couldn't stay here.  The ONLY thing that has changed is that he sleeps IN HIS CAR IN THE FRONT YARD, instead of on the couch! NOBODY IS DOING ANYTHING BUT ENABLING HIM TO DO EXACTLY WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING!!!!!

SO, today, he got to go fishing with my mom and grandfather (nice reward for being a jackass) while I stayed home and cleaned and watered the garden and helped move the fence and decided to be a parent to my 2 kids... My mom gets home and tells me that she talked to Lance and told him to stay away from the house between the hours of 1pm and 3pm.  2 FRICKING HOURS!!!  2 HOURS!  How in the HELL is that supposed to help ME?1?!?!?!?!?!?!  What about the other 22 HOURS A DAY that he is here!??!?!  What about telling him to GET HIS CRAP TOGETHER instead of BABYING him and trying to FIX SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE FIXED?!?!?!?!!!???? I am not even giving all the details, but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I try my best to do what I can for this household!!! I try to clean and cook as often as I can! I try and provide food. I do most of the chores inside and out of the house.  I am honest and I don't steal. AND I GET PUNISHED!!!! I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY WATCH LANCE! HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!!!!  He walks all over EVERYBODY he meets and uses them to his advantage! He has no respect for others or himself or his children!!!!!!!  I am soooooooo OVER THIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO CRY I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PISSED!!!!  GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE! WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?! WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY ALLOW SOMEONE TO DISRESPECT THEM AND THEIR HOUSE AND THEIR PROPERTY LIKE THIS?!?!?!  WHY WOULD ANYONE ALLOW SOMEONE TO DO DRUG DEALS FROM THEIR HOUSE OR FRONT YARD?!!??!?!?!!?!??!?!  WHY?!?!? I have been looking for somewhere to move because AS LONG AS HE IS ALLOWED TO BE HERE WITHOUT MOM OR DONNIE HERE TO TAKE OVER CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE OF HIM, I do not want to be here!!!!!  I hope that I can find something for rent SOON in Courtney's school district!!!!  God, PLEASE, help!!!!!!

And of course I am going to keep my mouth shut. I wouldn't want to make anyone UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and let people do whatever they want to me, but you're gonna miss me when I'm gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fathers and Friends and Cars, OH MY!

So much has happened this past week... Last Tuesday, the head gasket blew on the car that we JUST bought. The car that we spent our tax returns on. The ONLY working vehicle that we had. Also, my dad had surgery to break up blood clots in his legs and increase circulation to his feet. Then he had a series of mini strokes (that he STILL hasn't seen the doctor about). On Wednesday, Aaron's mom came into town and Carter started getting a REALLY runny nose. On Thursday, we borrowed Donnie's car (for $20) to go visit with Aaron'a mom, step-dad, sister, and brother-in-law. Friday we borrowed my mom's car to visit with them again (after 7pm when Aaron got off work). Saturday I spent the day with my mom at a jewelry show and then Rayne and A.J. came to spend the night. Saturday is also the day that I started getting a sore throat. Sunday, I felt like CRUD but I went to church anyway. We spent the day together (Mom, Donnie, Aaron, Courtney, Carter, Rayne, AJ, and I) at church, and IHOP, and then back at the house. Monday, I started painting my room. Today, Tuesday, I finished painting my room. I am still getting over being sick. Aaron got a new job today making over $2 more per hour, and getting 2x-3x the hours per week. Later this week, some guy is supposed to fix our PT Cruiser in exchange for our Cavalier. Things are okay. I thank God for every blessing, even the ones in disguise.  I trust Him. I pray that things are turning around for us. For all of us. I seriously feel like I have no friends, and as much as I miss it, I think I'm okay with it. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.
Or as Carter says, "a new day."
Good night, God bless!

Insert Clever Title Here.

I haven't written in about 6 or 7 months..... Since then, I've started going to Bible Study and trying (very hard) to live for God instead of myself.  It's actually very rewarding.  I still have my issues but I'm learning to deal with them and realize that "this" (life) is not all about me or anyone on this earth.  It's about a relationship with God, a devotion to Jesus.  And the first time I actually felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, it was all solidified.  I'm on the right path.  I don't drink anymore, not even occasionally, not even a little bit.  I've almost got my foul mouth under control (every once in awhile something will slip out and I immediately feel guilty and repent).  I'm trying to think and walk and talk like Jesus.  I am NO WHERE near perfect, but even the smallest changes have made a HUGE difference in my life.  I'm no longer making meaningless music.  I write my music for Him and the hurting or depressed or lost.....

I'm not bragging.  I hope, sincerely hope that it doesn't sound like I'm bragging.  I'm just a little excited about the transformation that God has made of my life and my heart.  I wasn't able to do ANY of these things by my power, but by God's grace.  Yes, I'm still fat.  Yes, I still smoke.  Yes, I still get angry and frustrated and need a break.  But, it's all a little trivial now.  It doesn't bother me as much and I know that these are all things that can be conquered if I entrust myself and my needs to the Lord. And I do.

ANYWHOOOOOO...... I'm hungry.  See ya in another 6 or 7 months?

Reality.

So, I haven't written in quite awhile.  Partly because it's a pain in the behind to hook up the internet now that we are paying for it, and partly because there have been too many things on my mind and I didn't even know where to start.

Table Of Contents:
1. Cheating?
2. Weight.
3. Depression


CHAPTER 1: CHEATING?
     More than once this past week Aaron has come home later than he said he would.  This is the second night in a row that he has come home around 10pm.  Today, he told me at about 1pm that he had a pretty easy day and would be home around 6pm.  He called the Sears warehouse at 5:42pm but when I tried to call him 17 minutes later he didn't answer the phone.  I tried calling him at least 12 times between 6pm and 10pm and I sent him a text asking to please call me.  At first I was upset that he wasn't home and not answering the phone, then I got worried.  So worried, in fact, that I hooked up the internet and checked to see if he was in jail, the hospital, or stuck in traffic.  I even texted his partner he was working with today and got no answer.  When he did finally walk in the door, he was acting odd, I can't explain it really, just not himself.  He said that he had just got off work and then he took Curtis home.  When I asked where his phone was he said it was in his tool bag in the trunk of the car.  I told him he should have called me.  I looked in his tool bag and got the phone and it was shut off, but it showed all the missed calls from me up until 9:32pm.  If he had shut his phone off at that time and put it in his bag and then into the trunk, there's NO WAY that he could've taken Curtis home in Stone Mountain and then driven back home by 10pm.  When I asked him what he was doing he immediately got defensive. NOT a good sign. Also, both times that he came home late this past week he walked in the door and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower... Am I being paranoid?

CHAPTER 2: WEIGHT
     It's finally hit me.  I'm fat.  I feel disgusting.  I hate looking at myself.  I have gained about 7 pounds in the past 3 weeks.  I'm supposed to be in a wedding in 5 weeks and I pray to God that I still fit in my dress.  Also, my 10 year class reunion is at the end of August. I don't want them to see me.  I don't even want to leave the house, which brings me to my next point.

CHAPTER 3: DEPRESSION
     I've been really down lately.  I don't know why, but at the same time I do know why but have no energy to try and resolve my issues.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I don't want to see anybody.  I can't even find the will to take a shower unless I have to go to work.  The past few weeks I've probably only showered 4 times total.  I stay in my pajamas all day. I want to lose weight. I want to quit smoking.  I want to move into a different house. I want to have a day to myself.  I want to SCREAM!!!!


There is still so much more I have to say, but it is after midnight now and I want to lay down.
Maybe more tomorrow. Maybe.

Who deserves to have a sandwich named after them?

I DO!!! The Constance Sorrow would have angus beef, bacon, italian sausage, mushrooms, carmelized onions, bellpeppers, swiss cheese, and a secret sauce in between 1 inch thick buttered grilled italian garlic bread!!!

Ask me anything

Who do you txt message with the most?

my mommy

Ask me anything

My Final Requests For When Laid To Rest:

My major concern, of course, is the well-being of my children.  I want for them to be cared for with love, patience, kindness, and MOST importantly the love and knowledge of God and our Savior Jesus Christ.  I DO NOT want them to be moved away from my family in Georgia (especially my mom, step-dad, sister.)  I want them to have the influence of my family's good nature, spiritual heart, and unconditional love.  I DO NOT want them to be moved out of state, especially Mississippi, where they would be under the influence of the controlling, manipulative, and conniving demeanors of their father's family.  I want them to know me and I know that my family would keep my memory alive for them and continually express the depths of my love and adoration for them.  I want them to be told often how much I love them, care for them, and how very proud I am of my children.  They are my heart and soul and if I had nothing else in the world besides them I would be much more than content.  I want them to be raised to know the difference between right and wrong and that actions have consequences, also that they control the direction of their lives with the choices they make.  I know that here in Georgia they may not be raised with a fortune and every opportunity handed to them, but they will be humble and be appreciative of what they earn for themselves and they will understand that happiness, love, and success is not bought with money but that it is obtained with hard work, sacrifice, and the willingness to pursue their dreams and goals.

As for my worldly possessions, material objects, etc.:  they are just things and mean nothing to me.  I don't really care who gets what. I DO request that people do not fight or argue over things that may belong to me.  I would like for Courtney to inherit my engagement ring when she turns 16 years old or maybe even sooner if she proves herself mature enough to take care of it and appreciate it. My makeup and things that I have acquired from my employment at Sephora can go to my mother and be divided amongst her and my sister Rebecca.  I would like for them to go through the items together and agree on who gets what.  There is plenty there to go around.  Anything else that isn't of any importance (i.e. clothing, shoes, accessories) may be given to Goodwill or the church or whoever wants them.  If for some reason someone in my family wants a particular item, just give it to them.

I really can't think of anything else that may be of importance to me.
Like I said, my main concern is my children.  All other things are meaningless, as life can be lived without them.

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I want for everyone to know that I will be in that "better place" praising God for eternity and in such a state of complete happiness that there will have to be a new word invented to describe it.  I pray that one day I will see my family there, worshiping beside me.

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Soon I will write letters to the people who mean the most to me, so that they will know how much they mean to me and they can always remind themselves of how much I love them.