You have really hurt me. You contantly say that you will call or come over and you never do. I don't know if you are mad at me for some reason or if you just don't desire my friendship anymore. Maybe you just keep forgetting me. I think I would prefer the first two instead of just being forgotten because at least that way it's not because I just don't matter.
The only times that I HAVE seen you outside of work you insisted on bringing Joe or Kelley. Am I not enough for you? Do I bore you? I've tried to make excuses for you... you've been busy planning the wedding, repairing your house, working. However, you seem to find plenty of time for everyone else in your life.
The thing that finally made me question our friendship was when I found out through Facebook that you were going to see Departure's first gig of 2011 and you didn't even invite me. Even though I saw you at work the day of and the day after. You acted like it didn't even happen. You know that I have a babysitter on weekends so I can work. Why didn't you want me to go?
Well, I don't know what will happen to "us".
Right now I want to ignore you and forget about you as you have so easily done to me. Perhaps that's what you want.
Either way.
Whatever.
I don't want to care about you anymore the way I used to. I don't want to open myself up to even more hurt and disappointment.
I am so sick and tired of "friendships".
I just want a real friend. Someone I can be myself around (not that anyone's ever stopped that from happening) and someone that can be themself around me. I want someone who I can talk to anytime, someone who desires my company. Someone who isn't afraid to tell me my flaws and still make me feel wonderful and special. I need a real friend. Someone who doesn't shut me out or contantly break their promises.
Right now I have no real friends. I can't name even one.
I started to question myself... Is something wrong with me? Am I THAT bad, that no one wants to be around me? Am I not fun or funny or honest or caring enough? But I know that I AM. I am fun, funny, honest, and caring among other things. I can be a great friend if someone would give me a chance.
I'm wondering if God has something to do with this. I asked to be closer to Him. Perhaps I need to be further from the world to be closer to Him... I don't know. Maybe I'm not a good friend. But if I'm not, wouldn't it benefit me to at least know WHY so that I may better myself as an individual? If i'm not a good friend, or person for that matter, I wish that someone would tell me what I can work on.
For "you", the person to which this was written, I am still here. I still love you and I STILL want to be your friend. Friendships, to me are like relationships. They are relationships. People get hurt, disappointed, sometimes even betrayed. But all of the love and good times and laughs and smiles are 10x more powerful than any negative feeling.
Because these thoughts have consumed me for quiet some time now, I have to let it go. I, unfortunately, have to forget what we had, even if just temporarily, so that I can move on with life.
I don't know what message she sent you but I was wondering if it was any good and if you have chosen to respond. I didn't send you my last convo with her. Not sure if I should or not. Maybe when you're ready you need to hear those things from her yourself. Maybe it wouldn't count as much coming through my email. I worry a little that you'll be mad at me for even discussing you with her. I hope not I really was just trying to help and she seemed to gain some perspective in the process and said on her end I didn't make it at all worse. That's good right? Please don't be mad at me. I just didn't want you to lose a potentially good thing. Has she always been this way? You only started mentioning it the past few months so it seems out of character for her.
ReplyDeleteIn any case. I wanted to tell you that I want to be closer to you. I want to be as best a friend as I can be. I suck at friendships though. I'm sure you've noticed several times over that I have a hard time keeping the conversation off of myself. Still, I'm willing to give this a shot if you are....even though we never get to see each other because we live so far away. I love you Renee and right now I want to squeeze you. I'm squeezing you in my mind. *squeeze*